OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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