eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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