Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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