I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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