My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
