Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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