I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
