Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
