M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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