I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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