apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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