I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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