dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
