i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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