Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
