Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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