my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
