My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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