i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
