There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
