I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
