I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
