Midget sex pt 2 tonight
if only i could text you this smell
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
