There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just invented taco cereal.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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