please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
