i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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