Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
this beer tastes like vomit already
it was like eating out sand paper
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
