I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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