so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize