Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
