considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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