my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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