Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
