If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
