I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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