Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
