My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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