I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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