Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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