Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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