I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you inspire me to be a worse person
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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