Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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