The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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