I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just googled if crying burns calories
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
