the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
