i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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