I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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