I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
