Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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