Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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