You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you had me at cake vodka
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
