The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
