my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
