Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
