I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
