yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
