Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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