Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
